Si se puede, Father...break out the black plywood

Hey, I understand General Motors Chairman Barack Obama will be eulogizing his dearly departed friend Senator Edward M. "Teddy" Kennedy this Saturday morning at The Basilica of Our Lady of Perpetual Help in the Mission Hill section of Boston.

"Here we go again...another Apology Tour," you're whining.

Not so fast.

That would take too much time (40,000,000 Lost Souls' worth, not counting Mary Jo), and Dear Leader's ego won't permit it.

(I'm not supposed to say this, but my sources tell me the plan is to have Mr. Obama perform a late-term abortion while smoking a Marlboro Red during his speech...kind of a ratings trial balloon sent aloft for the Sunday shows to kick around. The live feed from MSNBC will be funnier, though. Keith Olbermann will be like, "Rachel, I believe that is a number two scalpel the President is using ever so gently and expertly, like the Surgeon General might do." Rachel will be like, "Oh, my God! I love the way he taps his ashes! And he's a lefty!" Chris Matthews is going pee on his own legs again, spitting, "Board shorts! - who wears BOARD SHORTS to a funeral?! Looking at his bare pecs, I'd say he worked out this morning!")

No, He of the Big Ego will say some kind words about his former colleague - how he was blah blah blah and blah blah blah - and then launch into a campaign speech selling his own vision of the Utopian Ideal (admittedly, only 47 times more radical - therefore better - than Uncle Ted's.)

If there is a God - and I know there is - there is going to be another teleprompter malfunction.

CRASH!

Cue the black plywood to fall away, exposing - gasp! - the "IHS" monogram inscribed on a pediment behind Dear Leader.

The congregants will become uneasy and anxious, for this will certainly bring an apology...

And it will:

"I'm sorry I ever let my predecessor in here to prep this place," his voice will echo and then linger a full three seconds...

Wait for it...

Wait...

"Senator Kennedy would be, too."

Without Telly the Prompter, there will be only one thing left to say:

"May a higher power bless you and all 59 United States of The Americas."




Rest in Peace, Senator Kennedy. Say 'Hi' to John-John for me.